I stumbled across this video clip on MSNBC this morning. I’m wondering if I could get this to happen in the Fall River/New Bedford area in the Spring.
Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy
I saw the headline last night on my iPad. Steve Jobs, founder of Apple Inc., the man who single-mindedly shaped the most iconic products I have owned over the last 10 years has passed–and his energy will never grace the stage or hone the details of anything I will ever purchase again.
I never knew him, or corresponded with him, or had the chance to see him make a presentation in person, but I still fee the weight of his loss in my heart and in my sense of a lessened future of using technology products. It will be a long time and not likely in my life remaining, that a visionary of his sort will be there to challenge and transform my understandings of what technology CAN be at that mystical crossroads with the liberal arts which he described in a presentation earlier this year.
He was a luminary in the best sense of how I define the word. He glowed with heart and philosophy and panache and passion for making great things, concise, pure, “it just works” things that have transformed the way I live.
I will miss my anticipations of his next great leaps. I will miss the wonder he instilled in me, and I will hope to carry a bit of his determination and spirit into the projects I myself pursue.
Like other tragedies involving mass fatalities (such as the Triangle Shirtwaist Fire in 1911), psychologists have sought to gain understanding about grief and grieving by studying the after-effects of the 9/11 attack. Ruth Davis Konigsberg has summarized these findings in a Time magazine piece published today.
The central message sums up in the following sentences:
The research confirms that most disaster survivors do not need to see a mental health professional, and there is very little evidence for the usefulness of any kind of therapeutic intervention in the first month. The growing consensus is that in the immediate aftermath of a disaster, survivors need practical, logistical help to meet their basic needs, whether communicating with loved ones or transportation or money. The goal of this type of approach, known as Psychological First Aid, is to stabilize survivors and connect them with additional resources as a way to reduce stress and encourage adaptive functioning. The time for therapy is later on, and only after an accurate assessment.
I think most people understand this intuitively until an “expert” comes along with the conviction that we have to do more, more, more.
Some people need intervention after appropriate assessment, but the comforting news to us all is that most people are quite capable of coping with loss without special help, as long as they have a basic support network and the resources they need to move forward.
I love what I do as a funeral director, and I have always had a techie outlook–having always been fascinated with computers and information systems.
Needless to say it is rare to find a news story which combines both interests but the following headline got my attention: Soldiers use iPhones to photograph every grave at Arlington National Cemetery
Unfortunately, mismanagement at the hallowed ground has caused great concern that a number of soldier remains have been interred incorrectly and in the case of cremated remains, mislabeled or lost. The Old Guard at the cemetery has taken it upon themselves to painstakingly photograph every grave and columbarium space along with its position in the cemetery so that a complete review can occur.
My heart goes out to those families with concerns and my admiration goes out to those soldiers who have taken it upon themselves to tackle this awesome project.
We have begun a major redecoration of our Fairhaven Funeral Home location. Of course we will plan our work around funeral needs, so the building remains available throughout.
When complete, you will find a thoroughly refreshed look from floor to ceiling including new artwork from local artists which will reflect the nautical traditions of the region. We also aim to provide a comforting environment for families to gather at times of loss.
Many thanks to Holly DiMauro of Holly Hurd Interiors for all her efforts and expertise to bring this project together.
More pictures to come as the project moves along.
As I drove to our Fairhaven location this morning, I listened to a news story on NPR regarding the ongoing controversy between a Pennsylvania town named Jim Thorpe–which received received the remains of the great athlete back in the 1950′s–and the deceased’s son who who is currently trying to have Thorpe’s remains transferred back to Oklahoma where the icon was born.
Few of us will ever be so famous, but we can learn an important lesson about funerals which apply to us all.
Funeral and “disposition” choices–calling hours or no calling hours, cremation or burial, etc.–do leave behind a more lasting legacy than we may ever imagine. In the case of Jim Thorpe’s widow, she made choices which have haunted the rest of his family for more than 60 years, and sometimes I see people do the same with their own prearranged funeral plans.
Often the wish is to “keep things simple” for the family left behind, but sometimes that means oversimplifying the service choices so that family members lose out on the benefits of gatherings and sharing of the loss and grief experience.
For instance memorial services can be wonderful things and at times that’s the best or only choice when it comes to remembering someone who has died. But experience tells me that a memorial service rarely fulfills the roll of calling hours, there just isn’t enough time for people to meet and greet and remember together.
So as you sit to make choices for yourself or a loved one, keep in mind the legacy you will leave with those choices. Sometimes it’s the difference between family members feeling at peace with the passing as opposed to feeling years of misgiving or continued loss. After all, it is nearly impossible to revisit a funeral once it has come and gone.
BT
I found a book the other day entitled Famous Last Words, a compendium a famous and infamous quotes about dying. Some are a bit crass and I will not post them here, but from time to time I will try to find an interesting point of view to share.
We all handle death differently and these quotes demonstrate the range, from humor to sarcasm, to pain and everything in between. Here’s the link if you wish to buy the book:
Famous Last Words, Fond Farewells, Deathbed Diatribes, and Exclamations Upon Expiration
And here’s a sample from Damon Runyon, a tabloid reporter and short story writer who’s material became the musical Guys and Dolls.
Every once in a while I will hear the question posed in the title above and up till recently I did not have a particularly good answer.
I had been taught through the writings of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and others that grief was the price you pay for love, and that grieving was universal and fairly consistent across humanity.
But more recent survey work by George Bonanno and others has taught us that grief comes in a variety of shapes and sizes. In a Discovery Health interview, he puts “not grieving” into perspective.
Up until recently, it hasn’t really been known [why some people don't grieve]. Most investigators in the field, I think, would say that people who don’t show grief have something wrong with them — they either are defensive, or cold, or they never cared about the person to begin with, or they weren’t attached. I had argued no, maybe they’re just healthy people. We followed a group of people in Michigan over six years in a bereavement study where we knew a lot about the people before the loss occurred. We showed that about half the sample showed no symptoms at any point in the study. They just were not depressed before or after the loss, and we found that they were healthy people. They had fine relationships. The interviewers did not find them cold or aloof, and they did not score high on a measure we had of avoidant attachment. That doesn’t mean that a healthy person won’t grief also, but it seemed that they [a person who feels no grief] might feel sad, they might miss the person, but they keep functioning. We know that the people who don’t show grief, it’s fair to say, are healthy people.
So much of the time it is perfectly normal for someone not to grieve in a dramatic way. If someone is beginning at a healthy mental state and continues to live in a supportive environment, it’s probably okay that they don’t fall into a deep state of grief regardless the circumstances of the loss.
Just the same, it is important to make sure the other half of the world (that’s still a lot of people!) gets the support they need to get through.
In most cases this still means fairly basic support in terms of meals and companionship and other getting-through-the-day kinds of help. But there will be a few folks who will need more formal intervention.
Most of us are far more resilient in the face of change than the grief experts want to give us credit (and I do include myself in that category, I have bounced back from my own losses over the years without needing intervention), but let us not let those who truly need help get left behind.
Note: If you would like to read the full interview with Dr. Bonanno, you can find it here.
Last night I watched “Into the Woods”, Steven Sondheim’s amazing nursery rhyme musical. He captures in that story, the weird complexity of life and hopes and wishes and unintended consequences. The music, the words resonate with me and they have helped me over the years to reflect upon myself so that I haven’t remained quite so stuck in the past.
Thank you Steven Sondheim for helping me through the “woods” whatever your wish or intention in knitting together your story from the images of so many childhoods.
Which believe it or not, leads me to “love”. I won’t bore you with the the details of what brings me from one to the other. Just suffice it to say that I have learned that to live well is to know how to love well and for today, I have challenged myself to think about the “L” in “love” and what that letter might stand for in my heart.
I think I have an answer, and I will return here to post the rest of my thoughts later. But in the mean time if you happen to stumble across this post, do not hesitate to slow down and think deeply today about the “L” in love and what it means to YOU. Do not hesitate as well to leave your reflections here for others to find. Life can be a long journey and love shared in whatever form (even comments posted on a blog) can often make all the difference in the world.
And what does this have to do with funerals? Simple, funerals matter most when there is love in a relationship. Meaning that at death there is SO much more to lose AND SO MUCH MORE TO CHERSH and remember. So reflect on love today and every day. Think it. Find it. Know it. Live it. Express it. Teach it. Receive it. And live it once again. There is so little time, and in our cluttered busy world the deep and meaningful stuff can so easily get forgotten or left behind.
Today is the only June 18, 2011 (or whatever day you stumble upon this post) you will EVER have. Make it the best day that could possibly come to pass. Live well and love deeply and often. That is a legacy worth living. That is a legacy worth sharing and one day remembering when that “all is said and done” time comes. And it does come far sooner than we ever hope or imagine.
Live well today.
Peace,
BT Hathaway
This video runs quite long (16 minutes), but it provides a thorough overview of George Bonnano’s research on grief and grieving. He does not see the traditional “stages” which popular culture has adapted.
People do experience great pain and a few will need specialized care, but at the same time most of us are fairly resilient in the face of loss, and adapt effectively ourselves over time.
